Welcome to our section for Scottish Humour

 Wee stoor and sleekit horrible beastie
That lurks in yer belly after a feastie
Just as you sit down among your kin
Herald’s the beginning of an awful din
 

That Vindaloo with mushy peas
Starts off just like a gentle breeze  

Spot the puddin’ with a big red face
Whose arse is puffin’ all over the place

 Hold your bum tight to the chair
Just try and stop the sqeakin’ air
Shift yourself from cheek to cheek
And, pray to God, it doesn’t leek
 

Beware attempts to try and stifle
A projectile shootin’ from your rifle
And, no matter what you try to say

Everybody else, is going to pay  

When all your efforts go asunder
And out it comes, that clap of thunder
As it ricochets about the room
Shout, “Mighty me! A sonic boom!”
 

Go find yourself an empty booth

To tantalize the awful truth

Your thoughts are filled with dread

In case you touch the Turtle’s head

On to the throne you better scurry
To check collateral damage of the curry
Rest assured if it fairly reeks
There’s every chance, you’ve shit yer breeks
 

If everybody around is chokin’
And one or two are nearly boakin’
Point at the wee man in the room

And be the voice that seals his doom

Shout with yer best accusing stare. 

“You’re no welcome.” 

And point,  

“It’s him. That Bar Steward over there! 

Ah canni eat another bite, 

Your pure disgusting’, 

YOU SMELL LIKE SHITE!” 

As the mob’s confusion starts to shout

Take this cue and f**k off out

You might feel guilty for a while
But soon enough you’ll raise a smile
 

It’s a clever man who’ll let things be

Who’s brave and lets his wind gan free

Never bother or take to heart

Those who’d fuss over one wee fart

Brexit was the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union at 23:00 GMT on 31 January 2020.  The United Kingdom is the only sovereign country ever to have left the European Union. 

Therefore, it was surprising when Germany announced at the Brussels Summit that English will now be adopted as the language of Europe.  It was however conceded that the English spelling needed updating. 

 A five-year phase-in for what will be known as ‘Euro-English’ was agreed. In year one ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’and the hard ‘c’ will be replased with ‘k’. To stop any future konfusion, the ‘c’ keys will be removed from all komputer keyboards. 

In year two, ‘ph’ will be replased ‘f ’, which will simplify words like ‘fotograf’. In year three more komplikated steps will be introdused. For example, the removal of double letters and also silent ‘e’s. Akurat speling of the languag wil now be posibl.  

By the forth yar, ‘th’ wil be replasd with ‘z’ and ‘w’ wil be replasd wiz ‘v’. During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary ‘o’ vil be dropd from vords kontaning ‘ou’. Obviusly similar shanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinashuns of leters. 

Und zo, after ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a sensibl speling system. Eventuly by zis tim evrivun vil find it ezi to komunikat viz esh ozer und zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis.