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  • Home
  • GREEN
    • Green Matters
    • Sonnets 4 someone
    • Words for all Occaisions
    • Exceptional Wall Art
  • AMBER
    • Amber Matters
    • Imagining A Better World
    • Clarity Matters
  • PURPLE
    • Going Purple Matters
    • SVR
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  • ABOUT
    • About Us Matters
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  • Contact us it Matters

Words for all occasions

There's much to see here. So, take your time, look around, and learn all there is to know about us. We hope you enjoy our site and take a moment to drop us a line. But for now, keep scrolling for some Scottish Humour...

Scottish Humour (An Ode to a FART)

 Wee stoor and sleekit horrible beastie
That lurks in yer belly after a feastie
Just as you sit down among your kin
Herald’s the beginning of an awful din
 

That Vindaloo with mushy peas
Starts off just like a gentle breeze  

Spot the puddin’ with a big red face
Whose arse is puffin’ all over the place

 Hold your bum tight to the chair
Just try and stop the sqeakin’ air
Shift yourself from cheek to cheek
And, pray to God, it doesn’t leek
 

Beware attempts to try and stifle
A projectile shootin’ from your rifle
And, no matter what you try to say

Everybody else, is going to pay  


When all your efforts go asunder
And out it comes, that clap of thunder
As it ricochets about the room
Shout, “Mighty me! A sonic boom!”
 

Go find yourself an empty booth

To tantalize the awful truth

Your thoughts are filled with dread

In case you touch the Turtle’s head

On to the throne you better scurry
To check collateral damage of the curry
Rest assured if it fairly reeks
There’s every chance, you’ve shit yer breeks
 

If everybody around is chokin’
And one or two are nearly boakin’
Point at the wee man in the room

And be the voice that seals his doom


Shout with yer best accusing stare. 

“You’re no welcome.” And point,  “It’s him. That Bar Steward over there! Ah canni eat another bite, Your pure disgusting’, YOU SMELL LIKE SHITE!” 


As the mob’s confusion starts to shout

Take this cue and f**k off out

You might feel guilty for a while
But soon enough you’ll raise a smile
 

It’s a clever man who’ll let things be

Who’s brave and lets his wind gan free

Never bother or take to heart

Those who’d fuss over one wee fart

Let us pray

Thanks Rabbie

So let us pray that come what may

And come it will for all that

The man of independent mind

He looks and laughs at all that
 

For all that and all that

We’re all the same an all that

That man to man the world over

A fart’s a fart for all that

Thanks Rabbie

Thanks Rabbie

Inspired and adapted from

To a Mouse and also

A Man’s a Man for all that

By Robert Burns

  

© jo3m 2022


More Scottish Humour?

More Scottish Humour?

You have questions, you have an opinion.  There's much to see here. So, take your time, look around, and learn all there is to know about us. We hope you enjoy our site and take a moment to drop us a line. Just keep scrolling...



MY WEE MAW

There was a time when my wee Maw was a teenage inspiration. They didn’t have the internet but at least they had a nation. If you

had no jam left for your piece, there was milk, re-in-carnation. Daily news, different views, hard work, and dedication. If you had no jam left for your piece, there was milk, re-in-carnation. 

I'd shine my shoes

Clean face, clean hands her smile demands. 

Have you combed your hair? You’re better than that, far better than those, expensive clothes they wear. I’d make the fire, sweep the stairs, make sure I’m home for tea. I’d shine my shoes and stand up straight, so she’d think well of me.

I'd shine my shoes

I'd shine my shoes

I'd shine my shoes

No mobile phones, no Lg just BT, no SKY demand or catch up and no lottery. Who’s on the booze, we’re looking for the clues. Fish and chips on a Friday-night, Saturday, TV dreams did we win or lose? A holiday of a lifetime chance, to win a world cruise.

I'd shine my shoes

I'd shine my shoes

Morecambe and Wise. The lows, the highs. 

Pot Black, the 'Rugby'. King Charles? And the beautiful game. Pele RIP young man your legacy will remain. Sure, life never stays the same. 


  

    


 


 

    


Now when I weep, the comforts that I keep, memories of my wee Maw, the things she saw, a leather ba’, respect the law, comforts me to sleep.

Family and Friends when it all ends is surely why, People make our Nation. I’m in awe ‘cause my wee Maw is still, my teenage inspiration...

 R2 & jo3m with Jean RMAS 1989


 

Know Thyself

Demons

Prepare your mind

Prepare your mind

"You’re down and out they scream and shout

Three Ghosts, where?

There, standing in your way

Unholy trio bonded, bound 

You must prepare

Prepare your mind

To clear these demons out."

Prepare your mind

Prepare your mind

Prepare your mind

"Closer relations you may not find

Un-merry ghastly band

You can be sure, amongst the grind,

Where one is found, the others close at hand

A philosophy to cure your ills

The kind that kills these ghouls

You must prepare, prepare your mind."

Unholy TRIO

Prepare your mind

Unholy TRIO

"This quest, is not for fools

Know thy enemy and know thy-self

Clear these demons out

Their names you know, 

You’ve heard before

Indecision, fear and doubt….”

(Thomas Iggs)

BREXIT and the introduction of EURO-ENGLISH

Brexit

Brussels Announcement

Brussels Announcement

Brexit was the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union at 23:00 GMT on 31 January 2020.  The United Kingdom is the only sovereign country ever to have left the European Union. 

Brussels Announcement

Brussels Announcement

Brussels Announcement

Therefore, it was surprising when Germany announced at the Brussels Summit that English will now be adopted as the language of Europe.  It was however conceded that the English spelling needed updating. 

Euro-English

Brussels Announcement

Keep it simple

 A five-year phase-in for what will be known as ‘Euro-English’ was agreed. In year one ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’and the hard ‘c’ will be replased with ‘k’. To stop any future konfusion, the ‘c’ keys will be removed from all komputer keyboards. 

Keep it simple

Keep it simple

Keep it simple

In year two, ‘ph’ will be replased ‘f ’, which will simplify words like ‘fotograf’. In year three more komplikated steps will be introdused. For example, the removal of double letters and also silent ‘e’s. Akurat speling of the languag wil now be posibl.  

Year four

Keep it simple

Our future

By the forth yar, ‘th’ wil be replasd with ‘z’ and ‘w’ wil be replasd wiz ‘v’. During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary ‘o’ vil be dropd from vords kontaning ‘ou’. Obviusly similar shanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinashuns of leters. 

Our future

Keep it simple

Our future

Und zo, after ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a sensibl speling system. Eventuly by zis tim evrivun vil find it ezi to komunikat viz esh ozer und zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis.

GRATITUDE by jo3m

I'm Sorry...

I'm Sorry...

I'm Sorry...

As time rolls bye, we often lose sight and worry. For the things we didn’t do but should have, for those things we did but shouldn’t have... I’m Sorry...

For the letters you didn’t get, the phone calls I didn’t make. The words I didn’t say, 'cause I thought I was in a hurry! What can I say now, except, I’m Sorry... 



Thank you...

I'm Sorry...

I'm Sorry...

Thanks for all your kindness, all the love you gave to me. Those special pictured moments

you took the time, to send, for me. 

For showing me, I mattered. For telling me you care. For helping me feel wanted, for always being there. What can I say now, except, Thank you...


  

I love you

I'm Sorry...

I love you

You’re such a special person, you achieved so very much. Sixty seconds full of distance run and still you kept in touch. Kipling would have been so impressed how you filled that unforgiving minute. I am blessed, my life's a better place, because you took part in it!

                                                 

Ulysses

Yellow Wood

I love you

"We are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven. That which we are, we are. One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield..."

                                     Lord Alfred Tennyson

Tiger Wood

Yellow Wood

Yellow Wood

                 

Yellow Wood

Yellow Wood

Yellow Wood

                               Concept Art by jo3m ©2023

Too a Spouse

It’s been such a waste

I said goodbye, not to hurt you

I said goodbye, not to hurt you

I’m not going to lie, I’d much rather die

I can no longer cry, I can no longer linger… Hard Work. Hard work, work.


I’ve had a bad day, I work for shit pay

No more, words left to say. No more... 

Hard work. Hard work, work.


I felt a disgrace, your hand slapped my face

it’s been such a waste, it’s been... 

Hard work. Hard work work.

I said goodbye, not to hurt you

I said goodbye, not to hurt you

I said goodbye, not to hurt you

Although love can be tough, there is never enough, life is the long run. It’s not done, till it’s all done.


I’ll never give you up, never take my love to town. Never ever run around or desert you.



No tears left to cry, never told you one lie. I know, I said goodbye, not to hurt you.



Hard work. Hard work work

I said goodbye, not to hurt you

Hard work. Hard work work

Loving you, is all, I ever want to do. I’m sorry but it’s true.You are Hard work. 

Hard work, work.

  

I’m not going to lie, I’d much rather fly

I no longer cry, I know what I want, not without you.


Hard Work, Hard Work work. I won’t give you up, ‘cause your hard work. Hard Work. Hard work, work. Hard work. Hard work work.

jo3m ©2023


The BLUES IRREGULARS

To a SPOUSE was inspired by the first song performed by the BLUES IRREGULARS of their second set at THE BLACK HORSE Braunstone GATE. Leicester. Friday 31st March 2023. If you want to check out these wonderful RHYTHM and BLUES musicians click below to go to their 'Facebook'

BLUES IRREGULARS

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